The Real Season is Upon Us

After a thrilling final weekend in the NFL, the playoffs begin next week. The NFC is much well rounded with all for wild card teams (Philly, San Francisco, New Orleans, and Green Bay) all with a realistic chance to win the Super Bowl. The same cannot be said about the AFC teams. Indy, Cincinnati, San Diego (Really?), and Kansas City do not seem to have a real chance to win. The only team you can make a case for is Cincy because of their defense, but they are also lead by this dog whisperer.

Chargers Vs. Bengals(-6.5) (46O/U)

The Chargers are more unpredictable than Kanye West. I got to take the under and the dog whisperer

Chiefs Vs. Colts (-2.5) (46O/U)

Who cannot love the story of Andy Reid, Alex Smith and the Chiefs. Both send offs of their former teams for no real good reason and leading the loyal fans of Kansas City to a 11-5 record. They have a smart coach, great running attack (Jamal Charles and the emergence of Knile Davis), good QB, and a good Defense. All seems to be a good recipe for playoff football, but a closer look reveals they have lost 5 out of 7 games. All the loses being to the Broncos(twice), Chargers(Twice), and Colts all teams in the their way. Good job, good effort Kansas City, but  I will take the Colts and the over. Andrew Luck knows how to win while being almost as boring as Joe Flacco.

Saints Vs. Oregon East (-2.5) (55O/U)

The Eagles enter as the most dangerous team in the playoffs. Too many play makers to count on one hand. They have the best QB since October in Nick Foles (27TDS-2INTs) while leading the Eagles to a 9-3 record. The most versatile running back in LeSean McCoy and the hardest to tackle in the open field since Barry Sanders. I cannot see the Eagles losing at home in cold, Philly weather when the Bayou Domers come into town. Drew Brees is a great quarterback, but his one trip and win to the Super Bowl was aided by playing in the Super Dome every weekend. I expect Brees to put up points, but Philly to put up more. Taking Oregon East and the over.

I watch VanderPump Rules and I do not care who knows it

The show is just enough blend of hot chicks scantily clad that I keep coming back for more. It has enough element of crazy in each episode that their inflated egos can be displayed.They all work at some upscale restaurant owned by one of the housewives.  It is comical how much it mirrors the MTV show The Hills. 

Stassi (Kristen Cavallari)
-Girl is ruthless and plays with the strings of her ex-boyfriend heart, Jax at will. Obviously the Queen B whose battle for the camera with Scheana is always on display. She is a few years away from marrying Andrew Luck.
 

Kristen (Audrina Patridge)
-Similar to Audrina, not the sharpest tool in the shed. Continues to date her boyfriend, Tom who cheated on her with some chick from Vegas. Insanely jealous and insecure. Despises that they recently added her boyfriend's really attractive girl friend Ariana to the show. An exciting character who could snap at any moment. Great work Bravo.



Ariana ( Lauren Conrad)
-Comes in as the Tom's really good friend. Super chill and likable character. Makes Kristen insanely jealous because of vicious rumors. If I could get some stock in Ariana to parlay this show into some financial success the way Lauren Conrad did, this is my horse.



Katie (Lo Bosworth)
- Stassi's fiercely loyal friend who does not provide much, but head nods whenever Stassi talks. Every Queen B needs her not as cute sidekick to always be there for them.



Tom (Justin Bobby)
-Kristen's boyfriend who seems to be pretty normal minus dating the Kristen girl. Is in a band with big ambitions and had the benefit of doing a show at a fair with an attendance of 40 people(30 of the people being the film crew or Bravo employees).


Jax 
- Classic meatstick who is flourishing in his early 30s as a bartender. Occasionally gets modeling gigs and is  so infatuated with his ex-girlfriend, Stassi that he got her name tattooed on his arm a year after they broke up. I feel rude comparing him to one of the Hills  guys because this level of stupidity is groundbreaking.



Scheana (Heidi Montag)
- Last, but not least. A delusional 7 that thinks she is the best thing since sliced bread.  Slept with one of the housewives husbands. After having a tooth removed, acted as if she had triple bi-pass surgery. Is confident her new fame will bolster her music career. A crazy boyfriend away from being pinpoint Heidi.

Kobe putting Old Man Rivers in his place

Say what you want about Kobe's lack of social graces at times, but props to him standing up to an old man rambling. Jim Brown was quoted saying Bryant was "confused about culture" because he grew up in Italy from the age of 6 to 13. Brown went on later to commit on how Brown would not have had invited Kobe to Brown's Black Economic Union that he founded and organized in the 60s.

Brown's attempt at insinuating that Kobe did not experience enough "black culture" is short sighted. Granted, the America that Brown grew up in was a lot different, but so was Kobe's generation. Kobe tackled the argument like a seasoned, cultured, International superstar that he is. Kobe responded with "what I've been trying to do, is try to educate out youth going forward, no matter what color skin you are-- just try to talk about having a bright future and how to help kids going forward and progress as a society as a whole."

For the two steps back Brown took it, Kobe proceeded to take three forward. Well done Kobe.

Terrorist or American Girl?

The fastest way to determine whether a girl you are hooking up with is a terrorist or a normal person is simply by the size of their television. There is not much more science to it. After spending an away game at this drink of water's apartment, it is clear she is one of Putin's finest. If you are going to blend in as a normal American your television needs to be above '32 inches. I understand girls do not need big televisions to watch the housewives bicker at each other. I get it... high definition is not needed. I have even frequented the run of the mill hippy chick who has a pile of Kurt Vonnegut books and no T.V. I can handle that, but if you are going to make the attempt at a T.V. have some self respect. There are three things men need: (1) Va-jean (2) Food (3) Minimum of'40 inches of high definition. No faster way to a man's heart.

Why is Bill Gates factoring into my sex life?

I have the ultimate appreciate of Bill Gates. Completely dominated at Capitalism with Microsoft and has moved on to removing Polio from the World. He has pledged 99% of his wealth to charity. Terrific... A living legend in the every sense of the word, but the SOB is crossing the line now.

For as big of a nerd he is, he is no moron. He knows no guy that wears his own pants does not use condoms. Condoms are so 1998. The only thing guys cover are their smartphone. Well, he gave out a $100,000 prize to scientist at Manchester University that are producing an ultra thin condom. Stop it, Bill. change the world, save every dying children, but please do not remove the small, brief, fleeting sensation I encounter sparingly. Make me incompetent on a Mac, but do not make me incompetent in the bed. 

Playing Little Spoon

We all have been there. Not too many have wrote about it, but we all have been there. After waking up Sunday morning in my friend's bed with a chick next to me, I quickly have that face of panic hoping it is not one of his girl's. After a quick scan, I realize it is not and that both of our pants are still on. Phew... nothing major could have really happened. Being the opportunist that I am, I see this as an open window for some morning foreplay. After a little tussling and some pleasuring,  I am reduces to little spoon (what can I say she had a few inches on me). As I receive some gentle massaging and kissing, I assume I am in the clear to sleep of the hangover. I attempt to pass out without any questions....

Red= Little Spoon
Blue=Big Spoon
Pink= Big Spoon's hyperactive friend

Oh how naive. As I lay nursing a headache, the questions begin to come. "So, you played lacrosse at Duke?"
At this point I realize, I come clean and tell her I am the unemployed, slooch living in the office next door or I fulfill the finance lacrosse player, (whose possessions are skewed through the room and hang on the walls). "Yeah, I did." After a few more playful kisses and heavy petting, "You have some motivating quotes on the wall?" "Yeah, you sure bet I do." At this point... it is 1030ish and this conversation is about an hour and half too long. Attempting to wrap it up politely, it continues to lingers longer than Brett Favre's career. "Wow, you have quite the selection of dress shirts?" "Yup" 

The trooper that my friend is, anxiously awaiting checkout of his room as it nears noon. He sends me the quick text of "hey can you grab my headphones?" As I quickly scan the floor and regain my equilibrium, I cannot find the headphones and look more lost than a 14 year old boy around his first vulva. "Ahh..(giggles) what are you doing?" Oh man, thousand questions from this one. "Ahh, I do not know."

Trying to encourage a departure, I gravitate to the living room to watch some football. "Oh, my friend is coming over to pick me up and go to eat... I will be gone soon enough." "Oh, no worries." At this point, I am scanning my smartphone to see if I can  find a phantom 12:30 mass to go to, but to no avail. Her friend shows up with more energy than a kindergarten class. "Oh, hey you like comedy?... you should come to a comedy club with us on Tuesday." "Sure." I thought everyone knew "sure" was the universally understood response for "no, thank you, I have no interest in that. "Cool, let me see your phone. I will order the tickets for you. Here you go you can by X ticket and she will pay you back, cool?" Ahh.. this is awkward.... ok,ok, I will pretend to buy the tickets and maybe they will leave me to be a vegetable on the couch for the rest of the day.

Every time I yawn, I get a finger in my mouth with the response, "No, mouth goes unfucked." "I am really hungry, let's go get food." "Yeah, let's go get some food, Nino, you coming with us?"  I casually respond, "My movements for the day are from this couch, to that couch, and maybe to the kitchen for a glass of water." After another 20 minutes of high energy conversation, they are nearing departure. Meanwhile Duke Lacrosse player anxiously awaits his room after a sweaty morning bike ride.

Once the slow bleed is over by 12:30, I have realized it is better to be washed up D3 golfer than the successful D1 lax player. When they know it is the D3 golfer right away, the disappointment sets in faster and is mutually understood.

Whitey Bulger-Damn It Feels Good to be Gangsta

Justice served.. yeah right. 84 year Old G, Whitey got two life sentences today. After trying to find Whitey Bulger for over 16 years, they caught him in Santa Monica, California in 2011. The tip to find him was the fact he attended the Boston Bruins vs. Vancouver Canucks Game 6 in Vancouver... dedicated fan (pink hats take notes).

How much of a baller must you be to on the F.B.I most wanted list and you are "hiding" out in one of the most beautiful places in the United States?

So as the trial began, you would think the killing was done.....ahh wrong. A man named Stephen Rakes, who claimed Bulger forcefully stole his liquor store in the 80s. was all set to take the stand in Bulger's trial, but was killed days before. It proved to be that he was poisoned by cyanide in his ice coffee. They have pinned another man, William Camuti for the murder, who was owed money by Rakes allegedly.

Whether Bulger was involved.. who knows, but the life of a Santa Monica gangster is not too bad. Bulger had over 800,000 cash on him when caught  basking in the Santa Monica sun. As they say:

Would You Change Sex(s) To Play in World Cup?

An entire women's soccer league in South Korea is threatening to boycott all games unless the competition's best striker takes a sex test.Seoul City forward Park Eun-Seon was the best striker in the league last season, scoring 19 goals in 22 games as the club finished second.

But before the new season starts the other clubs have insisted the 26-year-old take a gender test. If not, they have threatened to boycott all games.

Her club say Park passed a gender test when she was 15 and will not subject her to another one.

Seoul Sports Council general secretary, Kim Joon-Soo said: "We have no intention of accepting the gender verification test just to stop the boycott." 

It is not the first time Park's gender has come under scrutiny.Three years ago in a South Asian international tournament, China questioned her gender and she dropped out of the tournament. However Park says she has proved what sex she is.Writing on her Facebook page she said: "I have gone through the gender examination thing several times. I did it in a World Cup, in an Olympics and in several others and there were no problems."I've worked so hard to get to this point, and I will not give up easily. I know what these people are trying to do, and I won't fall down."

First, of all Park.. you not fooling anyone with that beak. That is the manliest beak I have ever seen. it puts Adrian Brody to shame.You cannot knock Park's hustle though. We all have had the dream of being an Olympian and a World Class Athlete. Instead of discussing our High School Accolades on Friday Night to the super impressed chick at the bar, we could be living the dream disguised with an extra X chromosome.

If we are going to be honest, have I thought about becoming a chick to be on the World Cup team? Of course. Once I had the harsh reality of chances  ofbeing side my side Landon Donovan dashed by the 15 year old dicing me up in a pickup game, I looped the idea of becoming a female to reach my dream. You always have your dream, chase them no matter what.. sex change is a minor issue. it also helps that I am currently living on an air mattress in the "office" of a couple of bros apartment unemployed, so this move has alot of upside for me

 I have a slender physic and I could definitely pull off the butch haircut for the U.S. national team. I mean let us look at the best U.S. Women Player currently.

Plus you know the U.S. team is crawling with sexually frustrated chicks. All that time training, and no time to explore the D. You could be the in-house guinea pig.  A few more U.S. soccer players for you to understand the thought process.

I need to do more squats... my ass looks like a 12 year old girl.

Bigger is Better...So Says Oxford

Scientists from the University of Oxford have discovered that women with larger than average butts are not only increasingly intelligent but also very resistant to chronic illnesses.

According to ABC News, the results found that women with bigger backsides tend to have lower levels of cholesterol and are more likely to produce hormones to metabolize sugar. Therefore, women with big butts are less likely to have diabetes or heart problems.

And having a big butt requires an excess of Omega 3 fats, which have been proven to catalyze brain development. The researchers also found that the children born to women with wider hips are intellectually superior to the children of slimmer, less curvy mothers.

Eyeonthenut reports that the team analyzed data from 16,000 women.

Eyeonthenut also cites similar studies conducted by universities in California and Pittsburgh not too long ago that discovered that women with bigger butts, wide hips and smaller waists may even live longer as well.

*This study did not include fake butts.

We already know girls with big butts are smarter and healthier, but they also have some things only they will understand.

Ahhh... kind of a toss up here. I mean Serena and Beyonce are two successful, smart women with some shapely cabooses, but do they give women the false hope that a bigger buttocks makes them smarter?

I did a little research from diabetes.org to discover the following facts:

·         4.9 million, or 18.7 percent of all African Americans aged 20 years or older have diabetes.

·         African Americans are 1.8 times more likely to have diabetes as non Hispanic whites.

So you are telling me even though the extra large Coke from McDonald's is making my ass bigger, but also increasing my chances of diabetes? I think I am going to chose my Coke infused ass 9/10.

I think Nicki Minaj gets it. Gets a fake ass to fool people in thinking she is smart and avoids diabetes. Let me hope on that star ship. I will be your Han Solo.

33Million Dollar Hippie Ship Docked in San Francisco

Greenpeace's Rainbow Warrior, the floating, green-hued hub for environmental activism, pulled into Pier 15 Friday and will remain through Nov. 19, open for free public tours, art shows, films, panel discussions and live music.

Up to 900 people a day are expected to visit the boat, made famous by a 1985 incident off the coast of New Zealand when the French bombed - and sank - its predecessor, the first Rainbow Warrior, during a nuclear weapons protest.

The new Rainbow Warrior (actually, the third overall) is a $33 million, custom-built sailboat outfitted with a helipad, and unique A-frame masts that give the boat stability and allow it to derive 90 percent of its power from the wind. It's designed to accommodate up to 32 crew members as they circle the globe blocking oil tankers, protesting deforestation and taking up other environmental crusades.

The job is not without its hazards. Its sister ship, the Arctic Sunrise, saw its crew of about 30 arrested in September by the Russian Coast Guard and imprisoned in Murmansk, awaiting trial for piracy after the crew attempted to string a protest banner across a Russian oil rig. They face 15 years in jail if convicted.

Joel Stewart, captain of the Rainbow Warrior, is not fazed.

"The real risk isn't getting arrested, it's climate change," he said Sunday. "No amount of military superiority or terrorism is going to get us out of this one. ... The risk is definitely worth it."

While in San Francisco, Greenpeace staff are protesting a Stockton palm-oil refinery that imports large volumes of palm oil from deforested Indonesian rain forest.

Next it's off to San Diego, then Central and South America.

"People used to think of the Rainbow Warrior as a hippie ship," said Greenpeace spokeswoman Kat Clark. "But now we're scientists, activists, professionals. ... And the need is greater than ever."

Oh, this sounds like field trip all over it. There are probably soon real cooks aboard this sailboat. The best part about them protesting is that they are doing it aboard a $33 million dollar boat.

The thought logic to protest.. I can respect, but a Russian oil tanker? Do you not remember the Somalia's that took the Russian ship a few years ago... yeah, those Somalia's are dead. The Russians wasted no time in killing them.

I figure if I go in my Halloween best... I will fit right in. Space Squirrel reporting live from Pier #15.

What France Gave Us This Year

Marine Lorphelin and I are two asteroids destined for a crash course. I know what you are asking what does Miss France 2013 have in common with a couch surfing schlep? Glad you asked:

(1) We both speak (were taught French from a young age) French.

(2) Born on the same day.

(3) Both left handed.

(4) Think Pure Class when you see both of us.

(5) We both have a pure adultery dark side.

(6) We both appreciate Peacocks & Fashion.

(7) We both have been to the Eiffel Tower and participated in One.

(8)We Both Have Natural Bed Head.

(9) We Both Like Mermaids.

(10) We both have Harry Potter fantasies.